Daily Archives: September 8, 2007

…so how does a mom of four get some real privacy?

She goes to church when no one is there.  Of course, she has to have a key, and the alarm code, so that doesn’t work for everyone, but it worked for me!

I’ve had a lot on my heart, a lot of thoughts tumbling about my mind.  Confusion and depression were at the threshhold, and I didn’t want those to take hold and set up camp, so I needed to *really* meet with God, without self-consciously wondering who was listening on the other side of the door.  So, to church I went.  I was able to pray out loud, to play my guitar and sing worship songs, to spew tears and snot freely. 😀

On the downside, I was surprised at how much fear I had, being there from 9-10:20 at night, like some bad guy was going to bust the door down, or be waiting for me in the parking lot.  I wrestled through that, though, and it ended up not distracting me much at all.

I was also a little surprised, because I thought that there’d be instant presence of God, there at the altar, and it wasn’t quite like that.  I had to work a bit to clear my mind, to focus my thoughts and attention on Him.  It didn’t take long to get dialed in. 

I left feeling purged, happier, freer, more at rest, calmer, and less fatalistic about things in general.  Just voicing my worship, and verbally laying out my thoughts, feelings, concerns, commitments and hopes sorted them out profoundly.

I have wanted, many times before, to go to the church and do that, but I never have.  I’m thinking it now may be a semi-regular event for me. 

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