Had a little revelation…
I have a family member, whom I love incredibly dearly. So dearly. However, she and I fairly often have conflict of… worldview. I am gladly, thoroughly a Christian. She is not, and decidedly so. Whenever we have a disagreement, she, to my recollection, has never failed to whip out the accusation of, “You’re self-righteous.” Then, with her confidence in my self-righteousness, it then renders everything that comes out of my mouth moot, because, well, I’m just self-righteous, and who needs to listen to a self-righteous person, or even have a conversation with her, or even be kind to her, or anything nice???
I never really knew how to respond to that.
Am I self-righteous? I don’t feel self-righteous. In fact, I was just lamenting in my journal this morning that there is such a long laundry list of things wrong with me, and it seems like the Father has such an incredibly LONG way to go with me, that I was, frankly, discouraged over my lack of, well, righteousness.
However. I had a revelation: While I have no confidence in my OWN righteousness, I have complete, resolute, firm, convinced, unshakeable understanding and belief in the righteousness of God. I believe Him. I have seen, a million times over, His principles proven right. I have had, too many times to count, had the thought, “Oh. Duh. So THIS is why God tells us to do it THAT way, um, the way I didn’t do it. Ah ha.” I have also sadly witnessed others purposefully choosing to do something that goes against the principles of God, and, well, it just doesn’t turn out well. Like, ever.
So, I’ve read about God. I’ve experienced the way He works. I’ve observed His principles at work in others.
I am confident in God.
Moreover, I have seen His goodness. I have witnessed His mercy. I have experienced His love. And His power. I have tasted His supernatural presence — I always have a feeling of standing on the precipice of a cliff and leaning over, but there rising a wind that supports me to keep me from falling off — scary in a sense, but more on the exhilarating side of scary, like being simultaneously washed over, supported, and filled with protective all-encompassing power… and one day, I’ll be able to SOAR off of that cliff.
That, to say my experience of God is so real, so palpable, that I think it does disservice to my faith. I mean, when there is a situation that I just have to hold out and believe in what I can’t see happening… well, I’m not very good at that. Or, if I need to believe God, when the circumstances are contrary, that’s hard. So, I can’t even claim great faith!! God, to me, is as real as an orange. I mean, if I’m holding an orange in my hand, and I say, “That’s an orange” it takes no more faith for me to say that than it does for me to say God is real, powerful, good, and righteous. In other words, God is so real to me, that it takes virtually no faith for me to believe in Him; it is not exercise of my faith whatsoever. So, I can’t even have righteousness credited to myself via my faith!!
Word for word, my statement is right outta I Corinthians 1:30-31
“By His doing [I am] in Christ Jesus, who became to [me] wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, just as it is written, ‘Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.'”
I probably need to still work on my tone of voice, and be more aware of how my words are being perceived by others — in other words, basic communication skills. I’m sure I’m doing something wrong that would lead to my family member’s frequent accusation. But, maybe it’s not all just me; it’s probably that my basic, underlying belief in, and confidence in God is offensive, and I’m just not going to — CAN’T — WILL NOT — change that. So, I had to ask her to stop labeling my confidence in GOD as confidence in MYSELF.
I don’t know if that’ll work, or if my explanation of her misplaced accusation will be effective. But, I feel a whole new level of… confidence in my understanding of who God is, and how He works, even how He works in me. In my un-self-righteous self.