Daily Archives: September 22, 2010
There’s a fine line, sometimes, between being refreshingly honest and complaining. I sincerely hope I’m the former.
I really don’t like to be busy. I don’t know if it’s that, at heart, I’m naturally lazy (I hope not), or that really, my best “work” is not that which requires activity. I don’t know. But, anticipating seasons like the one upon which I’m embarking can, if I let it, really stress me out and rob my joy.
I look upon this past spring and wonder how I survived. On top of homeschooling and church, we had Little League (usually four nights a week), two weekly small groups (one for my husband, and one for me), plus a bi-weekly homeschooling art class, and a homeschooling group on the off-weeks. Plus, all the activities and tasks which allow a family and home to function. And an ill mother and the puzzle of my youngest daughter’s diet and health.
Seasons like that necessitate that I be highly structured and organized, with which I have a love/hate relationship. I get a lot done when my life is highly structured, but it… I don’t know. I just don’t like it. I miss the freedom, and the opportunity to, say, respond to that little pleading, upturned face, and just sit down on the kitchen floor in the midst of dinner prep and read The Shy Little Kitten to my youngest, without the pressure of knowing what it’s going to do to our schedule, should dinner be 15 minutes late.
But, weathering this past spring gives me the courage — literally — to say, “OK. We can do two small groups, and it’s going to be all right. I will live and not die.”
That sounds so stupid and melodramatic, but it’s true.
My life is full of good things and blessings. It really is. And, it has been my observation that the enemy takes evil delight in taking our blessings and framing them — just so — in our minds so that they appear to be a detriment of one sort or another. At least, I’m vulnerable to that: I’m tempted to see the dark cloud behind every silver lining. And, that’s not good. Still, neither do I want to be dishonest and say, “I can do everything! And it all makes me happy! And it’s easy! Being stretched is fun!” Because, truly, even with all the good things in my life, sometimes it just seems like there’s too much of… something, and what I’d really rather be doing is putting my back against a shady tree beside a small stream, and reading a book with one eye, and with my other, watching my kids play. And there’s too little of that, and too much of the other, and, frankly, I’ve not yet learned what the balance is between seeking Godly peace, and simply being lazy and self-serving and yearning for the idyllic.
Also, I’m taking into consideration:
- This week is my youngest son’s 9th birthday. We have a day-long outing scheduled (with a couple of other families), and an overnighter with two of Wesley’s friends. (Obligingly, another friend of mine has offered to keep my older two boys overnight with her oldest son, thus there is no net gain of children.)
- This week, we do start the small group/kinship season again, which, in many ways, is always so wonderful. I’m truly glad, each week, when I look into the faces of those in group with me, and I hear the teaching — which frequently is just what I needed to hear — and I participate in discussion, and ministry, and even leading worship (which I really, really love)… I so often think, “I am so pleased to be able to be here.” Yet, the logistics of making it happen can nearly tip me over the edge. One weekly night, my husband stays home with our dear passel of children, and on another night, I stay home while he does the same thing at his group. Each scenario has its challenges.
- This week, we started having my parents back over for dinner. For literally a decade, my mother and stepdad have been coming over for a weekly dinner. But, this past year saw a dramatic decrease in that, both because of me being distraught over Fiala’s health and how to feed her (I’m not distressed over that anymore, but she still is difficult to feed, and I have adjusted myself to making two meals, every mealtime)… and my mother’s health has been in serious decline, with three major hospital stays over the last year. My mother and I also had a row a couple of months ago, our first in years and years, the end of which had her proclaiming that she never wanted to talk with me again. That was distressing. My stepdad and I came to the conclusion that it was her ill health “talking”, which is so odd, because my mother has forever been resolute and reasonable. It’s very unlike her to be changeable and petulant. But, bless God for that, because after sending me a few peace offerings (which is also unlike her) of a number of gluten-free grocery/convenience items, plus a good book, she asked if we couldn’t, please, start our dinners back up. HOW COULD I SAY NO??!?? I couldn’t. I can’t! I don’t want to. I dearly want to spend that time with my parents. Dearly. Yet, it’s one more thing on the plate, so to speak. This Monday, just my stepdad came over, as my mother is in Illinois with her mother. Same with this coming Monday. After that, it will be the two of them, but only once every other week.
- And, literally weighing on me is the fact that I’ve put on 25 lbs since January, and am now back to my pre-pregnancy (before Fiala) weight. That’s not a good thing. I am very uncomfortable with myself, literally, yet after a year+ of living on a hyper-restricted diet for her sake, it’s hard to Just Say No to chocolate chips. 🙂 But, I have decided that I have to do something so the weight doesn’t keep piling on, and that’s difficult, because I’m not a dieter, yet I’m aware that I simply can’t stay the way I am right now. I haven’t yet figured out exactly what I’m going to do.
- And, I’m in the midst of… distilling… choosing… seeking some wisdom from my Father… about some direction for my life for the next couple of years (at least)… and it’s unclear… I’ve been meaning to fast, but I keep forgetting! After about five solid years of either being pregnant or nursing, I got out of the habit. Now, it’s like, “OK. I need to fast. Monday. No, that won’t work. Parents over for dinner. OK. Tuesday. Tuesday it is!” then Tuesday happens and I forget until mid-morning after two cups of coffee, a banana, some almonds, and a bowl of granola. Etc. So, I need to figure that out, too. 😀
And other stuff.
I really just need God. I need His presence, I need His peace, His wisdom, His priorities, His heart, even His energy…
I closed another recent post with this same thing, but it is so on my heart:
Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen. Romans 11:33-36 NLT